


Is it like a beat without a melody?

by plutosrose



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovering Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plutosrose/pseuds/plutosrose
Summary: May 5, 2014I saw it. A name, with my face.Nobody’s called me anything in a long time, but maybe this name is mine.James Buchanan Barnes.Maybe they were afraid of what I’d remember if I knew.-Bucky tries to hold onto his memories by writing them down.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Is it like a beat without a melody?

Maybe April????, fuck if I know what day it is, I think it’s 2014

I bought this journal because a man at the airport was looking at me like he recognized me (note to self, remember not to go into airports without a disguise). That seems kind of impossible because I’m not even sure if I recognize me. Maybe he’s seen the Soldier before.

Or me, since I am the Soldier.

Or was. Maybe I’m not? When I try to think my brain feels like soup. Like it’ll just come right out of my ears.

Fuck, I hate Captain America. Or Steve. Or the damn line or whatever the fuck it was that he said, or something, because all I know is that nothing in my head has been right since I went into the Potomac.

-

May 5, 2014

I do have a name, Captain America wasn’t lying.

I went to the Smithsonian after I got a new face (I should find a way to pay SHIELD back for the tech, but that might be a while), but before I got a passport, and I saw it. A name, with my face.

Nobody’s called me anything in a long time, but maybe this name is mine.

James Buchanan Barnes. 

Maybe they were afraid of what I’d remember if I knew. 

-

May 13, 2014

I’m in Italy now, I think.

This is the first time I’ve looked at the Captain America postcard from the museum, and I think...I think we were here together. At one point, a long time ago.

I can’t really tell how long ago it was, but when I focus and think really hard, I see us walking together. In a forest somewhere. Not sure where we were going.  
But it’s...it’s hard to shake the feeling that there’s something wrong about that memory. I can’t remember if he actually looked like he does now or if he looked different. 

But I also try not to focus too hard because the memories become harder to hold onto when I do. 

-

June 29, 2014

Steven Grant Rogers.

Captain Grant America.

Captain America Rogers. 

Steve. Steve. Steve. Captain. America?  
America Captain Steven Rogers Grant.

Steven.

Steve.

Stevie. Stevie Rogers. 

-

June 30, 2014

I don’t remember writing that. I don’t remember yesterday at all. Sometimes I remember things, but other times, there are gaps. Big gaps. Days or maybe weeks of silence in my head. 

I’m scared I won’t wake up again. 

-

September 9, 2014

I had this memory last night - it was weird.

Most of them are just flashes. Pictures. Like something that you’d see in that stupid Captain America exhibit. Colorless, soundless, and out-of-time.

But this one was in color, and there was sound. 

I could see Steve, but he was much smaller than Captain America is. At first, I thought it was just me remembering the exhibit, but when I woke up...I can’t explain it. I know he looked like that once. 

He’d gotten into a fight. I’m not sure how old we were. Maybe 13? I don’t think I was in school but he definitely was. Had a satchel and everything for his books. 

There was a girl, but she’d run off. And Steve, he’s fighting the impulse to crumple on the ground, because this guy won’t stop hitting him. 

I remember - I think anyway - that I grabbed the guy. He was a lot bigger than Steve, but he wasn’t bigger than me. And I threw him. I think.

“I had him on the ropes,” is what he said, and there’s red blood smeared against his teeth.

“Yeah, it really looked like it,” I said.

“He was trying to follow Dorothy home. I wasn’t going to let him.” 

-

October 10, 2014

I stopped moving from hotels and got an apartment. It’s nice, but it feels...empty. Too empty.

-

October 11, 2014

I took Dorothy out for a date once, but I can’t place the year. I’m not even sure if her name was Dorothy.

-

November 1, 2014

I remember giving Steve a key to an apartment. I remember that he didn’t want me to. I remember there was nothing more that I wanted in that moment. Just to take care of someone. 

-

December 25, 2014

Another memory today.

Well, sort of. 

I can’t really see that much, not even when I concentrate, but I still see it in my head. There’s a girl - she’s about a year younger than me, and she’s smiling and laughing. I think she’s my sister. I want to call her Rebecca, but it’s hard to tell if that’s really her name or one that my brain made up for her. There wasn’t anything about her in the Smithsonian when I read about myself. 

I remember kissing that night, but it’s not one of those...date memories I keep having. It’s Steve again, and he’s Steve-small and not Captain America-large. 

I don’t think we talked about it.

-

January 1, 2015

Sometimes I think I want to be found, and other times, I hope that Steve has forgotten as much as I have.

-

February 14, 2015

I remembered something else today.

I said I love you 76 years ago.

Not sure why I remember the date.

God, that’s a long time.

-

February 15, 2015

I can’t tell if Steve and I used to have date nights when I came home from a date or if this is another trick my brain is playing on me. 

All I can remember clearly are screams and blood and vomit and death. Is this a memory? Or is it a dream? 

-

March 1, 2015

I remember I could have died happy in some shithole in Europe, never seeing him again, if it meant that he would be fine.

-

March 14, 2015

I remember Peggy Carter and how much I wanted to hate her.

-

March 14, 2015

Never mind, I kind of hate her.

-

April 25, 2015

I think I need a new journal. I still have gaps, and when I have gaps, I write a lot. I mean…

Steven Grant Rogers I KILLED they’re DEAD dead dead strangled blood i don’t want to hurt

I wrote 10 pages of that. I think I did it yesterday, but it really could have been last month. I wouldn’t have really been able to tell the difference.

-

May 1, 2015  
I’m not sure if remembering things is helping, but I’m not sure I want to forget either.

Last night I remembered holding Steve the night after they put Mrs. Rogers in the ground. I said something about putting couch cushions on the floor, but I couldn’t let him be alone.

-

I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM.

-

Bucky blinked down at the pages, and noted that he was at the end of the journal. He stashed it on the dresser, checking to see if the picture of Captain America was still safely inside, before making a note to buy another notebook.

**Author's Note:**

> This came about because of a conversation about Bucky's journal in The End of the Line server.
> 
> Credit for the title to Lin-Manuel Miranda's Hamilton, specifically My Shot.


End file.
